I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
