She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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