Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
