So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
