I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
