nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
So much rum. So many feels.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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