Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
