i'm signing you up for texting rehab
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
