I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
