i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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