Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
