My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
