My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
