I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I could fuck to npr.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
