im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
