Im at strip club and am horny
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
