what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
