We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize
