Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
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