I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
