oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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