she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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