I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
