woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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