In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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