I accidentally burped into my bong.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
