did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
