Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Randomize
