8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
