I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
