Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
