Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
