Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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