Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
