In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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