good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
