I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
