Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
