Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
