even my farts smell like vagina
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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