I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
