Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
