There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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