had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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