Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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