Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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