if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
