He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I am available for nakedness
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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