...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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