I think I am morally bankrupt
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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