it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
